I was watching an episode of The Rifleman the other day during one of my frequent writing breaks. In one drama filled scene, a newspaper reporter from back east is called a two-bit-writer by a rough talking cowboy. This part takes place in a North Fork saloon where trouble always seems to brew. Warm beer perhaps?
The New York journalist is composing a story on what it’s like to live in the Wild West, and after his manuscript is snatched away by the fellow poking fun of him, this notebook is quickly handed to another cowboy to read. That was the best part, making me laugh for several seconds. My wife quickly remarked, “A person has to have a sick sense of humor laughing at someone educationally challenged!” I believe she was directing her candid jibe at me but I totally ignored it.
When this literate, saddle tramp friend starts reading the reporter’s story out loud for all to hear, it’s quickly discovered that some disparaging comments were written about about his illiterate pal. At this point, the easterner is roughed up a bit by the humiliated gunslinger until Lucas McCain intervenes. I always love it when Lucas gets involved with lowlife cowboys, because a brawl is soon to follow. The Rifleman without a fight is like ice tea minus lemon.
After “two-bit-writer” is tossed out there for the whole saloon to hear, I couldn’t tell if the journalist was offended or not. It appeared he was, but I’m not totally sure, because you see, the television channel broke for a Balance of Nature commercial which they do quite often. When the show finally came back on a different scene was taking place.
Had I been that newspaper fellow back in the day, I would’ve taken two-bit-writer as a compliment. With two bits equaling fifty cents, in the 1870s, that would buy a nice steak and drink at Delmonico’s. That’s the name for the best place to eat in Dodge City. If you watch Gunsmoke like I do, you’re well familiar with this five-star restaurant. Marshall Matt Dillon, Miss Kitty, Doc, Chester, and Festus always eat there, yet I’ve never seen them leave a tip.
Years ago, I took a creative writing course under the tutorship of Professor Michael Burwell. Our class composed several stories during that two month period, with Professor Burwell stating that students should submit one of their pieces to The Anchorage Daily News Creative Writing Contest. I elected to mail in “Fishin’ with Mike,” believing it was my best work.
Several weeks went by and finally the winners were announced in a special Sunday edition called, We Alaskans. Quickly going to the printed list hoping to see my name, there it was, Michael Hankins – Honorable Mention. I framed that certificate which came in the mail a week later, and kept it on my office wall as a joke for many years.
To be honest, I would just as soon not had that award. The late and great Nascar driver, Dale Earnhardt Sr., once said, “Second place is the first loser!” I’m not sure where honorable mention would be in a stockcar race at Havasu 95 Speedway, but I’m guessing somewhere near dead last.
Watching that episode of The Rifleman got me to thinking back to the 1984 creative writing contest. I believe had I looked, and saw two-bit-writer beside my name, I would’ve laughed and then called my friends to hear their congratulations. Not one person said anything about my honorable mention, so what does that tell you?
I believe had that outlaw informed the New York reporter he was an honorable mention type of journalist instead of calling him two-bit-writer, that would’ve been immediate grounds for them to meet on the street, and settle things the cowboy way. Afterwards, if he was last man standing, the journalist would’ve really had a Wild West story to write home about!
I like to write junk... 