I like to write junk...

LONGTON LIES

“Her husband left town with a floozy from North Memphis.”

Man kneeling in snow using hand saw to cut small fir tree

Lyrics to a song I’m working on. Had to be so careful not to use names of real people buried in Kansas. There is no Richard Jenkins buried in Kansas, nor Henry Joe Dixon. Linda Sue Dixon is the name from a 1968 song by the Detroit Wheels, appropriately titled “Linda Sue Dixon.” It was banned from being played on radio stations because of the initials (LSD). I didn’t know that at the time and really liked the tune. Hopefully, I have this all put together in a couple of weeks 🙂

Some residents claim a ghost,

Still walks the streets of Longton.

I’m not one to dispute,

Whether those folks are right or wrong.

*****

The story goes that a young bride,

Was sobbing one snowy Christmas,

When her husband left town,

With a floozy from North Memphis.

Ummm

*****

Local residents tried their best

But failed to console Lynda Sue Dixon.

The poor gal spent rest of her life,

Popping pills she called a prescription.

*****

Friends could only take so much.

Relationships can’t survive without love and trust.

Lynda couldn’t make it through a day,

Without her wine and pill buffet.

Ummm

*****

They say a broken heart’s hard to heal.

No matter how others may feel.

Like Humpty Dumpty, shattered beyond repair.

Distrust can turn into total despair.

*****

Miss Lynda Sue passed away

On a dark, cold January day.

In the year 1908,

When the train was runnin’ late.

*****

She was soon laid to rest

Next to an unknown grave.

That old hole filled with bones,

Scattered in total disarray.

*****

They say late last evening,

Longton’s ghost was seen crying.

Limping through streets of mud,

Past businesses no longer thriving.

*****

Trying to find a bit of solace,

from a tall tale created by gossip.

The truth of it being,

That ghost is Richard Caulkins.

Ummm

*****

What dem gadflies didn’t know,

about young Henry Joe Dixon.

Was that the man never left town,

in the arms of a copulating vixen.

*****

Henry unexpectedly died,

Harvesting Christmas trees for his wife.

Fatally shot and then buried,

by Old Man Caulkins and his boy, Jerry.

*****

Henry Dixon’s bleached white bones,

Were found just outside of Longton.

By dogs huntin’ for cagey raccoons,

Near a smelly and dank lagoon.

*****

Although Sue didn’t know at this time,

She found out in the afterlife.

The moral of this song.

Spreading rumors is more than wrong!

Amen

Three elderly women laughing and talking in front of Cedar Bluffs post office, Kansas

MUSIC MAN

“I’ve always liked writing lyrics and believe I’ll shift more in that direction.”

I’ve written some songs over the years, yet I couldn’t find anyone to sing them. Not blessed with the ability to play piano or guitar myself, I was left with unfulfilled compositions.

In one case, I sent the lyrics to a local Lake Havasu City band, yet never heard back. I was told that, like movie scripts, unsolicited song lyrics are scorned by lawyers representing musicians for fear that, if they do become a hit, the songwriter could file a lawsuit seeking additional proceeds.

Attorneys advise musicians to write their own lyrics or go through various music guilds for protection. Again, this is a ploy to control the music, as some big-name publishers try to do with books.

I recently wrote a song for my wife and was advised by a friend to have it released through AI. Not knowing what he meant, I researched the subject and found that many companies can do this. After looking at several, I finally went with a company called SUNO. I believe they did an awesome job.

AI music is made when computer programs learn from many examples of songs and sounds. These programs study patterns in music, such as melody, rhythm, harmony, instruments, and song structure. After learning these patterns, the AI can create new music based on a person’s instructions.

For example, someone might ask the AI to make a calm piano song, an upbeat pop track, or a dramatic movie-style soundtrack. The AI then uses what it has learned to generate notes, sounds, lyrics, or even a full song.

After the music is created, a person can listen to it, edit it, change the instruments, adjust the tempo, or improve the mix. In this way, AI music is made through a combination of machine learning and human creativity.

Personal lyrics can be added, with the music designer selecting instruments and singers to complete the composition. What this amounts to is that music writers no longer have to solicit bands and orchestras, nor do the writers have to belong to music guilds, which are nothing more than unions with their greedy hands out.

I was able to fine-tune my selection by choosing which instruments I wanted, the song’s genre (mostly country/pop), and singers of both sexes. It has a country-western twang that fits the lyrics about a girl named Joleen and a rural Kansas town named Hawkeye.

The name of this song is “Hawkeye” and can be heard on my YouTube site. I recorded it from the initial cut with my camera, so the acoustics aren’t quite right, unlike on the original. I’m still learning audio as I go along.

What does this all mean? The average Joe or Mary can now write music and have it professionally represented without having to kiss some music guild’s patooney.

As a writer, I tried working with publishing companies that wouldn’t give me the time of day. They were the final hurdle in getting things published until self-publishing came along. Now, I get voice messages all the time from representatives at publishing houses asking me to work with them on future projects. I never call them back.

I’ve always liked writing lyrics and believe I’ll shift more in that direction. The time is already here when AI songs have hit the top, especially in the UK. The US is fighting the influx of AI-generated music not just on traditional radio but across streaming platforms.

This push is led by major labor unions and the U.S. Copyright Office, culminating in federal legislation, state laws, and massive industry lawsuits. I laugh each time I hear one of these groups has lost.

The music industry is trying to keep them out of this country for monetary reasons, but they won’t be successful for long. A good song is a good song, no matter who creates it.

“The Archies” proved 57 years ago that a successful virtual band, made up of unknown musicians specifically for a cartoon series, was possible. If Archie, Betty, Veronica, Reggie, and Jughead can make good tunes, almost anyone can!

Four band members performing on stage with guitars, keyboard, and tambourine in front of an audience, banner reads The Archies — The Archies perform live on stage with energetic crowd support.

ORNERY OLD FARTS

“My garage wall is a poor man’s art gallery with a Dodge Challenger poster and a signed Rick Mears Pennzoil poster.”

Four older men sitting at a wooden table in a pub, each wearing 'Old Guys Rule' shirts, holding glasses of beer and smiling

A friend gave me a novelty Alaska license plate saying Old Fart and I have it hanging on my garage wall. The phrase ‘Old Fart’ is a humorous slang term for an older person, often used teasingly to suggest someone is aging, stubborn, or a little cranky. I know many guys and gals fitting that description including myself.

Next to it is a Florida plate reading ‘Arrive Alive’ printed in orange and black. This license plate is all dented and banged up, evidently after surviving an accident. It’s one of those material things that speaks to me, saying “Ouch” each time I look at it.

My wife added her own novelty plate. It’s an Arizona version saying ‘Mamacita.’ This means something like little mama in Spanish, but in everyday use, it often means pretty lady, sweetheart, or attractive woman. A friend in Alaska, Janice Cross, always calls Joleen that, and I must agree.

My garage wall is a poor man’s art gallery with a Dodge Challenger poster and a signed Rick Mears Pennzoil poster. Most young gearheads probably don’t even know who Rick or Roger Mears is.

I have a vintage street-crossing apparatus with a still-working chrome button, Harley-Davidson memorabilia, a Nigel Mansell-signed and framed poster, a TRW engine parts poster, a Sealed Power ad, and a giant photo of my former 1968 Plymouth GTX. After owning it for 46 years, I should’ve kept that car.

A Lightning Bolt T-shirt is inside a shadow box frame with a photo of my daughter, Miranda, wearing it as a night shirt. Last but not least is a black silhouette of Spuds McKenzie.

I used the Spuds image when I gave a fictitious eulogy for the famous Bud Light English Bull Terrier during a speech class. That speech got rousing applause from the young audience.

I’ve mentioned my Old Guys Rule tee shirts before. The kids gave me a couple for birthdays, as did my wife, and I purchased a few more choice ones. I like to wear them when we go out for dinner. It’s been at least a year since I walked by a table full of gals my own age, and I heard one of them loudly cackle before saying, “I don’t think so!”

She was evidently referring to the message on my shirt. It’s too bad they don’t make one with Donald Trump’s caricature on the front, having the same wording, because that would’ve had the whole table clucking.

Searching through Google, I found several businesses that can make exactly what I want for a reasonable price. It’s amazing what can be screen-printed on clothing these days.

Telling my wife of the idea to have a custom-made tee with a photo of Donald Trump wearing a crown on his head, and the words Old Guys Rule written above it, she said, “You really are an ornery old cuss!” I’ll take that as a compliment because it’s definitely better to be ornery than disornery.

Man walking on city sidewalk wearing a black T-shirt with a gold crown and the word 'TRUMP'

FASHIONABLY LATE

“In social circles, arriving after things are underway can draw more attention, especially in church.”

Cowboy holding reins of three saddled horses on dusty street with old Western storefronts in background

After turning 70, I don’t like being rushed, because when this happens, I generally do something stupid, like forget my wallet or important paperwork for a doctor’s appointment.

My wife has been using a familiar term ever since we met, most likely because she hails from a Midwestern background. Being born and raised in Kansas. Joleen uses it a lot when I’m ready to go somewhere, and she’s not, which is often.

“Hold your horses” means slow down, wait, or be patient—especially when someone is acting too quickly or getting ahead of themselves. The phrase dates to the days when horses were a major mode of transportation. If a driver or rider needed to stop or slow a team of horses, they would literally hold the reins to keep the horses under control.

Over time, it became a figurative expression meaning “don’t rush.” It has been used in English since at least the 1800s, and it became common in everyday speech in the United States, especially with the influence of horse-drawn travel and later Western/cowboy culture.

“Cool your jets!” is the expression I often use. The phrase comes from the jet age, when jet engines became familiar symbols of speed, power, and urgency. To cool your jets suggests reducing the heat, thrust, or intensity—basically, take your foot off the ‘hurry pedal.’

It likely became common in American English in the mid-20th century, especially as airplanes, rockets, and jet propulsion became part of everyday imagination after World War II and into the space-race era.

“Take a chill pill” is another way to tell someone to ease off. Historically, it’s a much newer phrase than “Hold your horses.” It seems to have become popular in American slang in the 1980s and 1990s, especially among younger speakers.

The phrase plays on the idea of taking a pill to change your mood—like a tranquilizer or anti-anxiety medication—but it is usually not meant literally. Instead, chill comes from slang meaning relaxed, calm, or easygoing, and pill gives the phrase a humorous, exaggerated sound.

It also fits the pop-culture language of that era, when people said things like chill out, take it easy, and relax. “Take a chill pill” is basically a more playful version of “Calm down.” Because of the pill image, it can sound a little cheekier than “Cool your jets” or “Hold your horses.”

All of this brings me to, “What’s the big hurry?” Ultimately, that’s the question I ask myself each time I get ready to go somewhere. Being ‘fashionably late’ is accepted among the Hollywood and elitist crowd, and the expression generally means arriving a little after the stated time, not so late that it becomes rude or disruptive, but late enough to appear relaxed, confident, or socially in demand.

In social circles, arriving after things are underway can draw more attention, especially in church. There was an older couple at a church who were fashionably late almost every Sunday. I believe it was to show off the wife’s new hat as she wore a different one each service. The woman definitely knew how to pick them.

I’ve yet to arrive at a doctor’s appointment late, but there’s bound to be a time when I do. My big question here is, “Do I sashay when I enter the waiting room?” For those not knowing what sashay is, it means to walk in a confident, noticeable, and sometimes exaggerated way, often with a bit of style, flair, or attitude.

When someone sashays into a room, they are not simply walking in quietly; they are moving as if they know people may be watching, often with a smooth, swaying motion that can make the entrance seem playful, dramatic, or self-assured. It’s too bad Mrs. Humphrey isn’t around to teach me.

Elderly couple walking out of a church decorated with flowers and Easter banners

THUMP THIS

Three people selecting watermelons from a large wooden bin labeled Summer Harvest — Three people choose fresh watermelons at a grocery store’s summer harvest display

I watched my grandmother thump watermelons going back to the 1950s. Mom did the same. I was told that thumping can tell a buyer just which one to choose. I believe it’s more of a ritual than anything scientific, with the thumper merely acting as if they know a good watermelon from a bad one.

Not once have I seen a younger person ask an older adult to thump their melon. They do it themselves, not having an inkling what they’re listening for. If their grandparents instructed them it was probably erroneous information to begin with.

People supposedly thump watermelons because the sound can indicate ripeness and internal texture. When you tap or thump a watermelon, shoppers are usually listening for a deep, hollow, resonant sound. That can suggest the melon has a high-water content and a mature interior.

A dull, flat, or overly dense sound may suggest the melon is underripe, overripe, mealy, or less juicy—though it’s not a perfect test. The practice likely goes back centuries, because people have long used sound to judge the quality of fruits and containers—similar to tapping barrels, gourds, or squash. No wonder so many yellow squash look as if they’ve been abused.

Watermelons have been cultivated for thousands of years, with origins in Africa, but the specific habit of “thumping” watermelons is difficult to date precisely because it was mostly a folk practice passed down informally rather than documented in writing.

I’ve tried to discern the sound of a good watermelon over a bad one by flicking my index finger on the outside. Since I have poor hearing, they all sound the same. The only true means would be to core drill to the inside, but that’s not allowed unless it’s in your own garden.

Mama Haynes grew watermelons, and they were generally always good. She used real cow and horse manure as fertilizer, saying that it made the soil sweet. I had to look this up.

Horse and cow manure are used as fertilizer because they add nutrients to the soil and improve the soil’s ability to hold water and air. As manure breaks down, it releases nutrients such as nitrogen, phosphorus, and potassium, which help plants grow strong roots, leaves, vines, flowers, and fruit.

It also adds organic matter, which helps sandy soil retain moisture and loosens heavy clay soil, making it easier for roots to grow. Manure also feeds the tiny organisms in the soil that help break down plant material and turn it into food plants can use.

Fresh manure can be too strong for plants, so it’s usually better to use it after it has aged or been composted before working it into the garden. Aged manure is less likely to burn plants, spread weed seeds, or carry harmful germs. The cardinal rule before using is: “If the pile is green, save it ’til next spring!”

I’ve never lived on a farm, nor do I have a green thumb. If I did, my motto for using animal dung as fertilizer would be a bit more logical. “If the pile is reeking, hungry flies are still eating!”

These days, when I purchase watermelon, I buy the sliced and prepackaged trays because I can see what I’m getting. Some will say this is more expensive, but when I bought a whole melon, a good portion of it ended up being thrown out.

The practice of thumping melons will undoubtedly continue long after I’m gone. Perhaps someday, an X-ray device will be available to peer inside things. Although I’m not going to buy a whole melon anymore, I still thump them as a personal tribute of sorts to my late mother and Mama Haynes.

Man in yellow safety vest scanning watermelons with a handheld scanner at market — A woman X-raying watermelons at a grocery store using a handheld device

BAKER’S DOZEN

“To add more drama to the scene I placed both hands behind my back as if I was being handcuffed.”

Security guard assisting elderly woman scanning box of donuts at grocery store self-checkout

I asked a local bakery employee in a grocery store the other day if they offered a baker’s dozen on donuts. The young lady said yes and gave me the price. When I asked if that was for 13, she looked at me as if I were crazy. “No, a dozen is 12!” It was easy to see the gal didn’t know what a baker’s dozen was.

A baker’s dozen means 13 instead of 12, and its history is usually traced to medieval English baking laws—not specifically donuts at first. In medieval England, bread was heavily regulated because it was a staple food. Bakers could be punished for selling underweight loaves.

Since bread weight could vary after baking due to moisture loss, bakers often added an extra loaf when selling a dozen to ensure the customer received at least the required number.

Over time, that “extra” became known as a baker’s dozen. Where donuts are concerned, the phrase carried over naturally because donuts—like bread rolls, pastries, and bagels—are commonly sold by the dozen.

A donut shop offering 13 donuts for the price of 12 is continuing that old “extra one to be safe or generous” tradition, though today it’s more of a customer-friendly bonus or marketing gesture than a legal precaution.

I decided to check around to see if this bakery was the only one not following the old English tradition, and they weren’t. It seems that with the increase in price, a baker’s dozen has been reduced back to 12. Never mind that when you pay, and change is due, you’ll also be shafted any Lincoln pennies.

I believe it’s hocus-pocus how stores now advertise “deals,” as they like to call them. Older folks like me have to carefully read the small print on signs to see just what we’ll be paying.

I don’t know how many times I scanned an item only to see the regular price instead of the sale price at the end of a transaction. Walking back to read the sign, I discovered I needed to purchase another 11 to get the lower price.

Special offers can also be confusing and are undoubtedly subject to change in the near future. BOGO (buy one – get one) will mean exactly that. Folks will be stupefied when they look at their receipt and see they’ve just paid for two.

Shouldn’t this have been BOGT (buy one – get two) to begin with? This reminds me of tactics used by car lots in the 60s and 70s to leave customers mystified. A car would be advertised for a certain price on television, and when a customer came in expecting to buy it, they’d be told it was sold.

Perhaps I am making a mountain out of a molehill. A friend says that when she’s buying a dozen donuts, a thirteenth is stuck in the box without fear. “Who’s gonna open the box and count them?”

It’d be my luck that a store clerk would nab me as I walked away, or worse yet, the AI security camera in the self-checkout would spot things. This actually happened to me with grapes.

I’d placed a sack of them on the scale and in a hurry to get going, picked them up, and put them in the bag without hitting ‘accept weight.’ Everything locked up immediately ─ with a black & white grainy video showing my mistake. The clerk corrected things and said it happens all the time.

By then, those standing in line behind me were watching. To add more drama to the scene I placed both hands behind my back as if I was being handcuffed. Most folks chuckled except one.

The donuts I buy generally go to the chemotherapy lab in Kingman. If they’re short a couple of donuts from here on out it won’t matter as I always take them two dozen.

One thing I’ve been planning on doing but haven’t thus far, is the next time that automated AI produce scale asks if I accept the weight, I’ll decline, just to see what happens. I’m sure I’m not the only person wanting to do that. Will lights and buzzers go off? My wife says that she doesn’t want to be around to see.

Grocery store worker using digital scale to weigh bananas

A SALTY DOG

“I can only imagine how many people eat these things and still use a saltshaker.”

While growing up, with both parents working, my brother and I subsisted on TV dinners, and frozen food packaged in plastic bags, thawed in boiling water. I’m talking 1960 through 1970 here.

Frozen pot pies were also our favorites, especially the chicken and mixed vegetable version. We didn’t have a microwave back then, so a gas oven in our mobile home warmed things up, usually taking about 20–30 minutes. That would be considered an eternity in today’s world.

TV dinners became popular in the United States during the 1950s, when frozen food technology, home freezers, and television culture were all growing quickly.

Although frozen prepared meals existed earlier, the Swanson company helped make the idea famous in 1954 by selling a complete frozen meal in a divided aluminum tray that could be heated in the oven. Ironically, I was born that exact year.

The name “TV dinner” reflected the new habit of families eating conveniently prepared meals while watching television, which had become a major part of American home life. Early TV dinners often included turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, peas, and dessert, and were marketed as modern, time-saving meals for busy households.

Over time, TV dinners changed from simple frozen trays into a wide variety of microwaveable meals, including healthier options, international dishes, and single-serve convenience foods.

Today, TV dinners are remembered as a symbol of postwar American consumer culture and the growing demand for quick, easy meals. For me, they are remembered as something that I could even make.

The other day, I was in the frozen food section of Albertson’s and decided to see what’s now offered in prepared meals. Swanson and Banquet still make them with an unlimited variety compared to when Mom did her shopping.

Lean Cuisine must have at least 30 different frozen food meals to choose from, with some sounding quite delicious, such as Steak Portabella. Checking the calorie and sodium content, I was astonished by how much salt this dinner had, 800 milligrams. That’s enough to ‘cure’ my heart, lungs, and kidneys in one sitting. Chicken Parmesan was another.

After looking at several other such meals, including the Swanson pot pies we ate as kids, I found that sodium was very high in almost all of them. I can only imagine how many people eat these things and still use a saltshaker. The term ‘salt whore’ takes on a whole different meaning here.

That term was humorously coined by a late friend of mine to describe someone who holds the saltshaker hostage during a meal. Rod was an ex-hippie, and he still used some of his creative language up until the day he died. I’m generally guilty of doing the same with pepper.

“A Salty Dog” is a song by Procol Harum. Each time I hear it, I think of my late friend. Rod Sanborn was a big guy who often stopped by our place at lunchtime in the late 1960s while Jim and I were preparing to eat.

Rather than have one turkey or chicken pot pie, he’d have two. Our mother could never figure out why we went through so many. We generally hid the empty tins at the bottom of the trash can.

A few months ago, at a local eatery here in town, some friends ordered the restaurant’s favorite, homemade chicken pot pie. When the server asked for my order, I initially said “Salty dog,” then changed it to “Veggie omelet.” I could see that this employee was initially confused, but she never questioned me. It would’ve taken 10 minutes to explain things.

Salty dog is my term for any pot pie, because almost all are laced with sodium. Evidently, the ones in Black Bear aren’t, as my friends never mentioned it. They were more than large enough, with neither being able to finish theirs.

I recently came up with a clever line for those eating at Rusty’s. That’s my #1 spot in town for breakfast. My favorite is the pancakes. A take-home box is always needed because one is more than enough after a plate of eggs and bacon.

When the delicious “Rusty Special” is ordered, make sure to ask for a side of WD40. The first time I did, the server thought for a few seconds, smiled, and then said, “That’s a good one!”

As lame a joke as it is, my late friend would be proud of me.

Breakfast plate with fried egg, bacon, toast with butter and jam, fresh berries, cup of coffee, glass of orange juice, and can of WD-40 on wooden table — Rusty Special

INCONCEIVABLE?

“Cavemen had things figured out long before Ivan.”

Western Arizona Humane Society building with people walking a dog outside

The Western Arizona Humane Society is located within walking distance of our house, and I often think about strolling over there, yet know what would happen. Two Amazon parrots for us to feed and care for is more than enough responsibility at this stage of life.

Joleen and I do miss having a dog around the house, and just recently took care of two Shih Tzus, “Tucker” and “Jake.” It was a pleasure having their company, and our birds loved it as well.

I’m always on the lookout for irresponsible pet owners and see many around town. Walking a dog on asphalt when it’s 100 degrees outside is nothing but pure torture and animal abuse.

That sun-drenched pavement is more like 140 degrees, hot enough to fry an egg. I feel like walking up to these guilty pet owners and thumping them upside the head with my index finger, while saying, “Hello McFly, is anyone home?”

For those who don’t recognize this unusual statement, it comes from the movie series “Back to the Future.” A big bully in the films, Biff Tannen, thumped Marty McFly on the head numerous times to get his attention. That would probably be considered assault these days and get me arrested or a black eye.

I want to do the same when it’s extremely hot outside, and people have dogs tied up in the backs of their trucks while they drive around in the comfort of their cabs with the air conditioner going full blast.

Worse yet, are those folks leaving animals in vehicles with the engines off while they go inside a store or medical office. Out-of-state weekenders are bad at doing so while they hit the beach at Rotary Park. I’ve called animal control a couple of times over the past 10 years.

Transients panhandling for money on street corners during the summer months with dogs on leashes also gets my goat. The dog is primarily there for sympathy’s sake and used as a tool to garner a few extra bucks.

Over the years, dogs and cats have been inhumanely used in scientific experiments. I remember learning about “Pavlov’s dogs” in psychology class, but never found out what happened to the canines after the experiments were over until just recently.

I was more interested in that above anything else, with the instructor never saying, although she probably knew. In the case of Ivan Pavlov’s dogs, our class wasn’t told that during the fall of Leningrad, Russia, they were eaten.

Ivan Pavlov’s experiment with dogs involved measuring their salivary responses to food, which led him to notice that the dogs began to salivate not only when food was presented but also in response to stimuli associated with food, such as the sound of a bell.

This observation formed the basis of classical conditioning, a learning process in which an animal or human learns to associate an unrelated stimulus with a specific response. The lunch buzzer from my school days is a great example, with kids trying to be first in the cafeteria line.

In his experiments, Pavlov would ring a bell before feeding the dogs, and over time, the dogs learned to associate the bell with the arrival of food, eventually salivating just at the sound of the bell, even when no food was given. This sounds like cruelty to me. That’s like my wife saying it’s time to eat and nothing is prepared.

Pavlov’s work laid the foundation for behaviorism in psychology, illustrating how environmental stimuli can influence behavior through learned associations. German Shepherds were one of the most common breeds used until Beagles came along.

I was never impressed with Pavlov’s experiments, finding that anyone with a teaspoon of common sense would know this information without abusing animals. Cavemen had things figured out long before Ivan, at least the one that Geico employs.

A time may yet come when I take that walk and come back with a doggie on a leash. It won’t happen in summer for obvious reasons. I still have a desire for one breed in particular, the Pekingese, as we had a couple of them over 16 years. Because they are so well loved, not many “Pekes” turn up at the center, according to a former worker there. I can believe that.

It’s too bad that Ivan Pavlov isn’t still alive, because other dog lovers and I would have a bone to pick with him. As a scientific experiment, I’d love to have the man eat dry Purina each day of the week. Common sense tells me by the end of that first feeding, Pavlov would be asking for a bowl of water, perhaps two.

Scientist with two dogs participating in a classical conditioning experiment with apparatus and bell — Pavlov and two of his many dogs

JAILHOUSE CAFE

“I never got my dream off the ground, but still think of it each time I drive down Highway 95 and see that old building.”

I see that another restaurant in Havasu is closing, with Northside Grill being the latest. Over the years, this has been quite common for various reasons. Rents can increase, or owners are ready to retire with no one coming along to take things over. Sadly, in the case of Scotty’s Broasted Kitchen, Scotty passed away, and the family chose to close the business.

I’m told by former owners that starting a restaurant or café is one of the toughest new businesses to enter. This is because it requires owners to be there before opening and after closing, and having to know all facets of the operation, from dishwashing to cooking.

These long hours go along with managing high food and labor costs, thin profit margins, changing customer demand, constant employee turnover, food spoilage and waste, strict health and safety standards, and intense competition, all while making sure customers receive quality food, fast service, and a positive experience every time they visit.

Owning and operating a restaurant is widely recognized as an incredibly high-stress profession. Chronic stress, poor sleep, and the physical demands of the industry put many owners at a higher risk for cardiovascular disease, gastrointestinal issues, and mental health struggles like anxiety and burnout.

I almost entered the restaurant business here in town without knowing a thing about any of the above. My background was in automotive, and there’s a big difference between turning wrenches and working in food service. My idea would’ve still been successful mainly because I had a unique theme.

In 1991, Joleen and I purchased the old Lake Havasu City Police Department building from the owner. The police had moved out, and the building was unoccupied, yet it still had jail cells and a maze of rooms and cubicles. I had two ideas for it: first, a laundromat, with my ultimate plan being to open the Jailhouse Café.

Our two children were still in school in Anchorage, and my wife was working, so I asked for a vote after we prayed about things on whether we should make the move then. It was three to one that the family stayed put until the kids graduated.

Needing some revenue from the old building, I begrudgingly stripped it with the help of Ron Claspill and others, turning square footage into leasable commercial space. My Jailhouse Café idea vanished with the removal of the heavy bars. I believe that Dub Campbell might’ve ended up with the doors. An original brass key on a large loop was given to the LHPD for their memorabilia collection.

It’s probably for the best I didn’t go into business, because I eventually found out I don’t like stress. Owning a café, undoubtedly, would create a ton of it. I was perfectly happy just dabbling in real estate, but even that didn’t turn my crank as it once did. This was about the time I started writing, and I found it quite stress-relieving, almost as much as working on projects in the garage.

I’d love to see a Jailhouse Café in Lake Havasu City, and perhaps one day that’ll become a reality. It needs to be in a freestanding building, like our old one at 296 London Bridge Road, which is now occupied by a pawn shop and hair salon. We sold that property after I tired of managing things.

Authentic jail cells could easily be constructed using round wood dowels. I know that’s possible because if you look closely at jail scenes in old westerns, most of them, if not all, are made of wood.

For my café, I already had the premier breakfast named. It’d be called ‘The Sheriff’s Special’ with a plate full of vittles as Granny liked to call them. Longtime viewers of “The Beverly Hillbillies” will know what I’m talking about.

Pigs in a blanket would also be on the menu because that was one of my favorites from Leroy’s Pancake House in Anchorage. This fare consisted of three sausage links wrapped in a large pancake. It was delicious.

I never got my dream off the ground, but still think of it each time I drive down Highway 95 and see that old building. Writers are perhaps bigger dreamers than anyone, and to me, that thought alone is still very satisfying.

One of my biggest heroes is a man named Colonel Norman Vaughan. Colonel Vaughan was on the Antarctic mission to the North Pole with Admiral Richard Byrd. He climbed a mountain named after him in his late 90s.

Norman gave a group of us at a book signing the following advice: “Dream big and dare to fail!” I suppose I did on this venture, but in the big scheme of things, failing might’ve been the best thing to ever happen to me from a health perspective!

Waiter behind counter in diner serving plates, smiling at customers

EYES WIDE OPEN

“I’ve observed this several times with couples divorcing and then marrying their ‘soulmates,’ as it’s often erroneously called.”

Older man leaning on fence holding hands with younger woman in countryside

I’ve visited and lived in Lake Havasu City long enough to see some sad things happen, especially with marriages. This occurred not only among younger couples but also older ones.

Distractions seemed to be the biggest factor, though neglect played a significant role as well. When I say distractions, I mean that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence.

I’ve observed this several times with couples divorcing and then marrying their “soulmates”, as it’s often erroneously called. Only after a short time do they find that their precious soulmate is a loser.

Alcohol and drugs are another reason for divorce, with husbands and wives overindulging here, and these stimulants making them do and say things they normally wouldn’t. Domestic violence is the byproduct, and we hear and read about this all the time.

Our local police waste more time answering domestic violence calls than perhaps any other, besides e-bikes. This is a dangerous situation for them, as both parties can quickly turn on law enforcement.

The relationship between alcohol and drugs and domestic violence is significant, as substance abuse often leads to impaired judgment and aggressive behavior, increasing the likelihood of violent incidents within homes.

When individuals overindulge in alcohol or drugs, they may act in ways they normally wouldn’t, resulting in conflicts and escalated tension in relationships. This happens daily throughout the US.

This pattern can create a cycle of abuse, where the consequences of substance misuse lead to further emotional and physical harm, ultimately straining the family dynamics and contributing to a toxic environment.

Years ago, in our neighborhood, we had a young couple going through this ritual, arguing verbally, with the wife often knocking on our door for help. She sometimes had bruises on her face and body. The husband was downright dangerous when intoxicated, yet a real gentleman when sober.

This couple eventually split the sheets, and I still bump into the ex-husband on occasion. He gives me a stern look but never says a thing, evidently still harboring a grudge that Joleen and I helped out his spouse when he’d threatened to kill her. In this case, the woman did the right thing in leaving him before the guy actually did.

The following short poem traces the life of another such couple, with names changed and other personal details omitted. In this situation, things turned out for the good only because of divine intervention.

This was an exception because, as far as I recall, all other marital dilemmas I encountered had a continuing theme of excessive alcohol use and abuse, with them separating and then days later getting back together. The saga constantly repeated itself.

Some might claim that I’m preaching here, but for me, I simply try to go through life with a clear mind and eyes wide open.

“Eddie moved to Havasu in the summer of ’94.

He was a recently retired manager at Montgomery Wards.

Took his big pension and bought a house, speedboat, and pricey cars.

After 40 years of work, he thought he deserved much, much more.

*****

Eventually, the juice went up, including gas, trash, and water.

His wife then got extremely hot under the collar.

Especially when hubby made her take a job at Family Dollar.

While he stayed home, downing beers with good friend, Roger.

*****

Over time, Ed was forced to sell his many pristine toys.

Even a bright red 1961 Corvette, his pride and joy.

Ann soon met an ex-con from Joliet, Illinois.

A snowbird, he sweet-talked her into cutting the cord.

*****

Eddie was left with an old house falling apart.

And a 2006 Grand Cherokee that would barely start.

Seeing the ill of his ways, he let Jesus change his heart.

Back on his feet, Ed gave up drinking, which was more than smart.

*****

Before long, the wife returned, and Eddie took her back.

Both now go to church, singing songs, free from the past.

It’s obvious to me that this marriage will finally last.

No thanks to Budweiser, but through the healing grace of Jesus Christ.”

Colossians 3:13-14

Couple sitting on a towel on a sandy beach near a lake with boats and mountains behind them.