GOT AARP?

“Do you give senior discounts?”

Years ago I had no idea what the initials AARP stood for. I’d heard the term countless times from my parents. They were always talking about AARP discounts. My friend Jeff told me what AARP means,

“Aging Adults Requiring Pills.”

That sounded plausible. I wasn’t sure if his answer was right or wrong. I knew it had something to do with old people!

Now that I’m considered ancient by the grandkids, I’m well aware of the AARP definition. Jeff was correct. Aging adults requiring pills fits things to a capital T. The pill business is alive and well in Seniorville!

I can’t watch a television show these days without being introduced to some new pill. They have heart pills, kidney pills, migraine pills, memory pills, back pills, constipation pills, with the list going on and on. Never mind that some advertisements mention death as a possible side effect. That’s a small anomaly in comparison to the benefits these medicines offer.

I’ve got my own regiment of pills to swallow. The majority of them are tablets Dr. Joleen prescribed. My spouse is not a licensed physician or anything. I call her doc for grins. I’m on a strict regimen of Dr. Joleen’s vitamins designed to keep me healthy.

Saw Palmetto Extract is supposed to keep my prostate happy. I wash down a vitamin C tablet each day to ward off colds, zinc to keep me in sync, and something called D-3 for I assume my knees. I grudgingly take the stuff to keep her satisfied. Sometimes I feel like these supplement pills are solely designed, to separate health-seekers from their hard earned cash.

I can’t say vitamins have done me any good. At this point I don’t know for sure? I’ve heard a few people claim after using them their lives changed drastically. I take those folks’ testimonials with a grain of salt. Generally speaking a month or so later they come down with the same ills as before.

Bad backs and knees are the most popular ailments amongst the Geritol crowd. If you don’t know what Geritol is then you’re definitely not of the baby boomer generation. Geritol is a tonic from the ‘50’s supposedly fixing tired or iron poor blood. Sounds like the perfect elixir for several people I worked with. Looking up the ingredients I was amazed.

There are 15 items making up Geritol. The 3 sticking out most are sugar, sodium hydroxide, and alcohol. I’m not a drug expert but that sounds like a speedball mix minus the cocaine and heroin. I remember sniffing Geritol as a child. A friend’s parents had some in their medicine cabinet. The strong aroma still permeates my senses.

I suppose 12% alcohol and sugar is what jump started users. Add a little caffeine (coffee) to this mixture and off to work they’d go. In one vintage commercial an office worker keeps a bottle in her desk drawer. How convenient. It’s a good thing the woman wasn’t forced to take a breathalyzer test.

We get a newsletter called “AARP – The Magazine”. It’s complimentary for all AARP members. Both of us being card carrying participants of AARP has its advantages, or at least that’s what the magazine says. The $8.00 a year membership fee covers the cost of this worthless publication.

Walking up to a young cashier at a local restaurant I placed my AARP card in front of her. Instantly I saw confusion on the gal’s face. She politely informed me,

“I’m sorry sir but we only take Visa and Master Card.”

Wanting to tell her what AARP stood for and the excellent benefits it offered I stopped short. I’d be wasting good breath.

“Do you give senior discounts?”, I inquired.

Smiling at me she replied,

“Yes sir we do. I’ve already taken it off your bill.”

Evidently because of highly visible creases and lines I automatically qualified. Thinking about this incident for several weeks a thought popped into my head,

“Why doesn’t someone make anti-aging pills?

I immediately looked on the internet. Lo and behold there’s a product called TELOSC that does just that. For a mere $196.71 you can purchase a 3 month supply. We’re talking $800.00 a year. Chump change if it really works.

This pill claims to make you smart, strong, and sexy at 100. With an IQ of at least 74 I have the smart part. The other 2 items would be nice in lifting heavy grandchildren, and modeling hip-clothing like jumper suits and overalls with suspenders. Sadly the TELOSC sales office didn’t offer AARP discounts. What’s with that? The advertisement did say they gladly accept Visa and Master Card.

“I bet they do!”

If you’re wondering what TELOSC stands for the answer is simple,

Take Every Living Old Senior’s Cash.

Jeff didn’t tell me that. I made it up myself!

Author: michaeldexterhankins

ordinary average guy

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