GUNSMOKE

I’ve watched my share of “Gunsmoke” episodes and still do. I’m sure other old timers in Lake Havasu City echo the same. There were 635 episodes over 20 years. During that period, Sheriff Matt Dillon shot 407 people, and was hit by gunfire 56 times himself. I suppose the man resembled a pin cushion by the end of his career.

The way Dillon took care of criminals in Dodge City is representative of how the majority of Americans would like to see things handled now. An unspoken motto on the series seems to be, “Do the crime – do the time!”

Outlaws, thieves, and murderers weren’t coddled or catered to on fictitious “Gunsmoke” episodes like they are today in real life. Left leaning politicians, judges, and courts, in conjunction with the woke movement, now make law breakers out to be victims of society, not holding them responsible for their actions.

We see how this plays out every night on the nightly news with our police often criticized for merely doing their job. Sheriff Matt Dillon definitely didn’t have to answer to such condemnation in Dodge City. Most honest folks living in the Kansas town sided with his oftentimes strict policies regarding law enforcement.

For those not familiar with “Gunsmoke,” it was a popular western series on both radio and television, loved by thousands of listeners and viewers. My family tuned in each week—greatly enjoying the western drama. There was never any concern on Dad and Mom’s part about constant violence influencing their two boys.

Kitty Russell was owner of a saloon on “Gunsmoke” called the Long Branch, and also a madame, although that part flew directly over my head as a youngster. I never thought about it until here just lately.

James Arness (Matt Dillon) referred to her as a madame on one of the radio broadcasts, although television screenwriters generally tiptoed around the subject as much as they could. Social Organizer would now be the ‘politically correct’ title for Kitty’s line of work.

Matt and Kitty were boyfriend and girlfriend although they never kissed. The stately sheriff spent a fair amount of free time at the Long Branch Saloon, drinking beer while shooting the breeze, where Kitty often filled his mug for free. Most likely she did that as a favor of sorts.

Her place of business was a haven for criminals—with these alcoholic beverages undoubtedly a gift to the sheriff for having to work overtime in keeping the place rid of them.

During all 407 episodes, Matt, and, “Miss Kitty,” as she was called on occasion, never kissed or were intimate. A good friend of mine said that the sheriff was most likely frigid. I have to disagree, believing that after being shot 56 times in all parts of the body, reoccurring pain had something to do with it.

Ken Curtis played the part of Festus Haggen. Festus was the ever complaining deputy sheriff and constantly broke. Ironically, my fourth grade teacher was Mrs. Hagen. I’m sure somewhere along the line some smart aleck student razzed her about being related to Mr. Haggen of “Gun Smoke” fame.

I can seriously relate to Festus, because my last name sounds nearly the same as his when said with a southern accent, and it’s rare that I have money in my pockets or wallet.

Generally speaking, I rely on debit or credit cards unless my wife is close by with her purse. Festus would’ve been the kind of fellow, had he owned a credit card, the plastic would constantly be declined at Delmonico’s and the Long Branch for obvious reason. Delmonico’s is a local restaurant where he usually ate as long as someone else was buying.

Haggen is cast as a Deep-South hillbilly, with his kinfolk often stopping by Dodge City for various unorthodox reasons, most of them unscrupulous. Members of the Haggen family were known to rob banks and stagecoaches for a living. Several scenes made the likable and hilariously funny Festus out to be an illiterate idiot.

Festus Haggen often proved to be the smartest person in town despite a meager education. He frequented the Long Branch like others, oftentimes having to bum drinks from his pals. Ken Curtis (Festus) was without question the most talented actor out of all on the show. He was also a great western singer, performing with the Sons of the Pioneers singing group.

Another favorite character of mine on the program was a guy named Chester Goode, played by actor, Dennis Weaver. Chester worked for the sheriff, and was spotted in numerous episodes scrubbing the jail floor, this while Sheriff Matt Dillon sometimes sat with feet on his desk, or was out of town rounding up outlaws. In the corporate world, you might say Chester was on the bottom rung of the ladder. His official title was Sheriff’s Assistant.

Chester walked with a limp and it was never mentioned exactly why. In one episode, it’s hinted that he served in the American Civil War, leading some viewers to speculate he might’ve been hit in the leg by either shrapnel or a bullet.

I know after I’ve worked a spell, stooped over, while cleaning our bathroom tile, especially here lately, and after straightening up, it takes a bit to get both feet, along with a stiff back, moving in unison.

The ache can be so intense that I sometimes limp or don’t move at all. A doctor told me this is due to my sciatic nerve or lumbar acting up. It’s highly possible that Chester’s did the same.

Doc Adams on “Gunsmoke,” being a seasoned physician, should’ve noticed this, yet evidently was not familiar with sciatica or anything connected with having a weak lumbar. Doc was a pro at removing bullets and delivering babies having brought over 1000 into this world.

Chester seemed to deal with his pain at the Long Branch with a mug of beer in hand or a rare shot of whisky. Without question, this didn’t directly help the problem, yet gave him a more pronounced limp after a few hours of indulging.

I tend to believe if this show was filmed during current times, Chester Goode would be looking for relief at a Dodge City dispensary in the form of gummies or brownies.

Miss Kitty at the Long Branch would be making good use of this profitable product herself, having a banner stretched across the front of her Long Branch Saloon proclaiming: CBD OIL SOLD HERE. Of course, the infamous watering hole would now be smoke free for health reasons.

Even the show name would need to be changed to “Gun No Smoke,” because modern ammunition uses smokeless powder unlike that in the 1870s.

Just the thought of this makes me chuckle. Kitty, Festus, and Chester would be laughing as well, with Matt and Doc scratching their heads, wondering,

“What has this world come to?”