BARNACLE BILL

Twice a month, I make a pilgrimage to Arizona Desert Dermatology for Tammy to look at my face, back, arms, and legs for signs of skin cancer. She’s found a few pre-cancerous spots that were zapped with what I believe is liquid nitrogen. It’s best to catch them early before melanoma has a chance to rear its ugly head.

On the last couple of visits, I showed her a couple of bumps in my scalp that I wanted removed. Tammy said that they were “barnacles” and for me to leave them alone.

I’d been scratching at the small, raised areas, making them bleed. I’d only heard of this term from whales and other marine creatures, including rocks and boats. These marine entities accumulate barnacles when in the water for extended periods.

Barnacle Bill is a character from the traditional sea shanty “Barnacle Bill the Sailor.” The song is often associated with sailors and has a playful, humorous tone, typically depicting Bill’s adventures and misadventures.

I sang it as a kid, only remembering so many lines. In various interpretations, Barnacle Bill is portrayed as a rough-and-tumble sailor who has encounters with the sea, women, and the challenges of maritime life. Evidently, he had a barnacle dilemma that earned him that derogatory nickname.

The life of an early sailor was a hard one. Early sailors faced a multitude of hardships that made their lives challenging. One of the primary difficulties was the harsh environment at sea. They were often exposed to treacherous weather conditions, including storms, high winds, and rough seas, which could lead to shipwrecks or life-threatening situations.

Additionally, the living conditions on ships were typically cramped and unsanitary. Sailors had to deal with limited food supplies, often consisting of stale bread, salted meat, and other perishable rations.

Fresh water was also scarce, leading to dehydration and disease. The lack of proper nutrition often resulted in health problems, including scurvy, caused by vitamin C deficiency.

Moreover, the social structure aboard ships could be strict and hierarchical, leading to a tough atmosphere. Sailors had to follow orders from their superiors, and discipline was often enforced harshly. The isolation from family and friends during long voyages added to their emotional burden.

I’m not sure how I ended up with barnacles, with Tammy saying it was inherent in certain people, especially older folks. There are all kinds of skin potions aimed at wrinkled skin, but I’ve never seen barnacle remover advertised on television. Perhaps the renowned Dr. Brownstein should invent some magical elixir as he has for practically every other bodily ill.

Where Barnacle Bill is concerned, it must’ve been hard for him to date women looking like an encrusted whale. I’m glad that my bumps came along long after I married my wife.

Telling a girlfriend, “Oh, those are just barnacles,” sounds like grounds for a short relationship. Hopefully, mine will eventually fall off in the shower. I’d hate to be at a friend’s house with other pals and lose them.

Someone would invariably stoop down and ask, “Michael, are these barnacles yours?” In this case, I’d have to sheepishly reply, “No, not mine. Perhaps you should ask Bill!”