Tag: dating

BARNACLE BILL

“Perhaps the renowned Dr. Brownstein should invent some magical elixir as he has for practically every other bodily ill.”

Elderly sailor wearing a navy sweater and leather jacket with anchor tattoo on hand sitting on sailboat deck with pipe
Barnacle Bill the Sailor

Twice a year, I make a pilgrimage to Arizona Desert Dermatology for Tammy to look at my face, back, arms, and legs for signs of skin cancer. She’s found a few pre-cancerous spots that were zapped with what I believe is liquid nitrogen. It’s best to catch them early before melanoma has a chance to rear its ugly head.

On the last couple of visits, I showed her a couple of bumps in my scalp that I wanted removed. Tammy said that they were “barnacles” and for me to leave them alone. She then zapped them with nitrogen, which will make the unwanted stowaways fall off.

I’d been scratching at the small, raised areas, making them bleed. I’ve only heard of this term from whales and other marine creatures, including rocks and boats. These marine entities accumulate barnacles when in the water for extended periods.

Barnacle Bill is a character from the traditional sea shanty “Barnacle Bill the Sailor.” The song is often associated with sailors and has a playful, humorous tone, typically depicting Bill’s adventures and misadventures.

I sang it as a kid, only remembering the first few lines of the original song from a movie. Some revised versions are beyond raunchy. In various interpretations, Barnacle Bill is portrayed as a rough-and-tumble sailor who has encounters with the sea, women, and the challenges of maritime life. Evidently, he had a barnacle dilemma that earned him that derogatory nickname.

The life of an early sailor was a hard one. Early sailors faced a multitude of hardships that made their lives challenging. One of the primary difficulties was the harsh environment at sea. They were often exposed to treacherous weather conditions, including storms, high winds, and rough seas, which could lead to shipwrecks or life-threatening situations.

Additionally, the living conditions on ships were typically cramped and unsanitary. Sailors had to deal with limited food supplies, mainly consisting of stale bread, salted meat, and other perishable rations.

Fresh water was also scarce, leading to dehydration and disease. The lack of proper nutrition resulted in health problems, including scurvy, caused by vitamin C deficiency.

Moreover, the social structure aboard ships could be strict and hierarchical, leading to a tough atmosphere. Sailors had to follow orders from their superiors, and discipline was often enforced harshly. The isolation from family and friends during long voyages added to their emotional burden.

I’m not sure how I ended up with barnacles, with Tammy saying it was inherent in certain people, especially older folks. There are all kinds of skin potions aimed at wrinkled skin, but I’ve never seen barnacle remover advertised on television. Perhaps the renowned Dr. Brownstein should invent some magical elixir as he has for practically every other bodily ill.

Where Barnacle Bill is concerned, it must’ve been hard for him to date women with the old sailor looking like an encrusted whale. I’m glad that my bumps came along long after I married my wife.

Telling a girlfriend, “Oh, those are just barnacles,” sounds like grounds for being dumped. Hopefully, my bumps will eventually fall off in the shower. I’d hate to be at a friend’s house and lose them.

Someone would invariably stoop down and ask, “Michael, are these barnacles yours?” In this case, I’d have to sheepishly reply, “No, not mine. Perhaps you should ask Bill!”

Humpback whale covered in barnacles swimming underwater with fish

HIGH MAINTENANCE

“Both guys equated these older gals to Simon & Seaforts or Crows Nest quality.”

The guys that I grew up with early on had a label for certain girls — “high maintenance.” In school, this crude terminology referred to those girls they thought wouldn’t be satisfied with a McDonald’s burger and Coke on a date, preferring something a little more upscale, like Sizzler or Sea Galley. I never encountered that problem because I never dated in high school.

In later years, the term “high maintenance” was still echoed by a couple of my single male friends. It revolved around that same comparison, where they believed the women they wanted to ask out would not be satisfied with Sizzler or Sea Galley at this point.

Both guys equated these older and wiser gals to Simon & Seaforts or Crows Nest quality. Those places are above scale, Anchorage, Alaska, restaurants. My pals were never ones to spend that much money on any meal.

I truly don’t believe high maintenance was their problem to begin with. The fellows I’m talking about were tightwads and expected dates to pay their own way. What sane females would continue going out with guys like that?

These days, I play a solitary game whenever I see what I perceive to be a high-maintenance older married woman. If I’m sitting in a parking lot and catch a glimpse of such an individual, I look to see what they’re driving. A good friend told me that if they exit or enter a Cadillac, Lincoln, Mercedes, or BMW, they undoubtedly opt for the finer things in life, expecting their husbands to pay for it.

Jim Brownfield, who owned a profitable foreign car garage in Southern California for many years, before selling it, asked me if I knew what BMW stands for. Telling him with panache that the letters meant Bavarian Motor Works, he quickly corrected my answer. “By-itch, Moan, and Whine.”  I couldn’t stop laughing.

The reasoning behind his answer was that BMWs are expensive cars to own when repairs are needed, and when most customers got their bill, they couldn’t believe the price. “You should’ve heard them complain!” he said. My daughter owned a BMW 311i early on, but eventually sold it because of maintenance costs.

I’m not sure that labeling a person “high maintenance” based on the car they drive is an accurate or fair analogy. Several years ago, while sitting in Albertson’s grocery store parking lot, a classy lady came out decked to the hilt in nice shoes and clothing.

I expected to see her climb into a glossy black Cadillac Escalade parked close by. She walked instead to an older Ford pickup and drove away. Perhaps being thrifty is what enabled her to buy designer brand clothes?

This morning, I was in a UPS Store to mail a package and noticed an attractive middle-aged blond inside. She was well dressed and very refined, having a fur collar around her neck. Standing in line with my Amazon item that needed returning, I watched to see what type of vehicle she got into. It turned out to be a model that I was unfamiliar with.

With her still sitting in the car, as I exited the business, I spotted a Bentley emblem on the rear decklid. It read S3S. I know enough about Bentleys to realize they don’t give them away. Sports celebrities drive them, as do other rich people.

Deductive reasoning told me that she was either a successful professional person or married to a rich man. I suppose some would say I’m being sexist and too analytical here, but it’s only a simple mind game I play to pass the time, and I rarely share my thoughts with anyone, unlike now.  I’m not the only guy who does this in private.

I will claim that I’m incapable of labeling people, especially females, as high maintenance, but I can accurately label vehicles as the same. If you were to tell me that you either own or plan on purchasing a Range Rover, I’d politely have to tell you, “I’m sorry!”